I posted this on Facebook early this summer, and didn’t get anywhere within my limited inner circle of acquaintances and well wishers. I’m still serious. I’ve always written better with someone else, and I enjoy having ideas go to an unexpected place. I just want to write something good. I have a long list of projects I’d like to take out of the drawer.
Looking for a screenwriting partner for a one hour Canadian (yeah, that’s right) police drama series and other loosely defined and undetermined projects, that may or may not be related to TV or film.
Must be slightly bitter and cynical with numerous failures and personal setbacks in their life. Candidates should be lying awake at night, fearful of waking and have the numbing sensation that they are wasting their life, and death is imminent. Their hours should be filled with gut ache at the thought of needing to make something great, and making anything less worthy is to concede that their life is pointless and they have failed — although this is a given. They should be driven by the fear that they are a fraud and will be discovered as such at any moment. During moments of quiet reflection, nausea should sweep over them. While walking alone, they should chuckle to themselves about the dialogue they’ve written, and then immediately feel embarrassed for having those thoughts, but then write them all down in secret only to show no one. It would be helpful if they are currently living pay cheque to pay cheque at a job they are reasonably competent and content at but don’t love, although currently being unemployed is preferred. They should dread writing (maybe even despise it) but take the task at hand seriously and professionally. They should be able to stare at a blank page until their forehead bleeds. Successful applicants need to have bone dry humour and their sarcasm should be undetectable.
Must drink heavily when required, and possibly have a seriously dependency. Smokers are not a deal breaker, but should quit immediately. Should not be too suicidal. Thoughts of self harm should be kept to a minimum of once or twice a day during rough drafts, and hourly during polishes.
Your own work is your own, but joint writing on this series will be split 60/40 as I’ve already put in two plus years on this. IF you give up writing the series I will steal your best ideas, make them mine, and you will have to sue me to get any screen credit and nothing less than binding arbitration will change this (although I’m quite fair and my thoughts on this may change and you may get some credit depending on proximity to my birthday — January).
Having a personal website is helpful, but only if site traffic has been kept to Ukrainian hackers and web designers who would like to increase your SEO. Current posts should be at a minimum six or more months out of date and anything substantial should be from October 2007.
Being able to name an English Canadian film you admire that is not directed by David Cronenberg is a serious black mark for any writing partner, although I’m willing to listen to any arguments (if you mention Paul Gross, Carl Bessai or Don McKellar as a director you are incompatible with my worldview). Should not be able to name a great Canadian TV show that isn’t a sketch comedy series, although it’s possible one does exists from the 1970s that I haven’t heard of.
I’ll also accept someone who is cheerful and pleasant, nice even, if they are steadfast, resourceful, and want to be good at their craft and can even be successful at writing (but not too successful because I would resent that). May be required to produce eleven pages each Thursday* whether they like it or not.
Must be able to sit through 187 minutes of Barry Lyndon and watch Errol Morris’s The Thin Blue Line. Non-negotiable.
Unpaid. If you want to know more about the series idea I can DM you.
Twitter @cske